2  The Rules of Engagement

Perception of any situation is based on the boundaries we have set based on our experiences. Some experiences are often interpreted by your brain as an attack to your well being and cause you to react. The reactions are the beginning of patterns that become ingrained in your reptilian (reactive) brain.

When we react to a situation, we often make subconscious decisions about how we should be or act in order to prevent being hurt. Because these decisions are “reactive”, they usually account for what you are trying to avoid at the time and seldom consider what you are actually trying to achieve.

The term “Rules of Engagement” is a military term describing the action that a solder should take when Engaging the enemy. In this context, “the enemy” is the potential distress you would get from an event or action. Your “Rules of Engagement” are the standard reactions you would adopt to avoid that distress whenever similar events or actions happens.

The problem is you don't choose these “Rules of Engagement” they are learned automatic reactions that you accidentally program into your reptilian brain. They have been learned because, at one or a likely a few occasions they give you immediate gratification and made you feel better, safer, or at least numb to the pain.

Example

A rule with grave personal consequences was formed when I was 18 years old. I tended to be a somewhat fast driver in my early years and got a letter when I was away attending the university stating my driver's license had been suspended because I had too many tickets. This was just before coming home for my summer break.

Being the rebel that I was, I paid no attention to it and took my car out immediately on my return. After my driving fun I was on my way home, there I was at a stop light, minding my own business. Two girls drove up beside me, looked over, and revved their engine. Vroom! Vroom! Being the bundle of hormones and inexperience that I was, I followed suit. Vroom! Vroom! As the light turned green I stepped on the pedal and spun forward, the girls were still slowly leaving the stop light. For a moment I felt triumph, then I realized that I had been so focused on winning that I did not see the police car directly behind me.

My moment of triumph was immediately deflated as soon as the red lights and siren came on. Being true to my core of “honesty and integrity”, I told the police officer that my driver's license had been suspended while I was away at the University. He was not amused! In fact, he took me to jail, and had my car towed. Jail was no fun, they treated me like a criminal. I was scared, I was humiliated and I felt this was unfair. 5 hours later they let me go on bail posted by my mother, but I was required to appear in court 2 weeks later.

The experience made me very careful the next day when I was driving my mother around town (she did not like to drive). As I was being careful and slow, another police car appeared behind me. I was scared, and became very scared when they followed me. Then, the lights came on and I pulled over. As it turned out the registration had just expired on the car and this was why they stopped me. I turned to my mother and told her to go along with anything I said, she agreed reluctantly.

As the police officer came to my window, she said “May I see you drivers license and registration please.” I looked at her with a puzzled look and said “Ha-llo, how arr you today?”. She looked at me with a scowl and said “Fine, may I see you drivers license and registration please”. I looked at her again with a smile and said “English… No!” she smiled. Eventually in very broken English, I managed to express to her that my name was Francisco Rodriguez, and that I was an exchange student from El Salvador and that my mother (the lady sitting next to me) was my host parent in the U.S. I told her that I did not have a driver's license but it was ok because I was a good driver. She gave me a ticket for driving with NO drivers license (a lesser offence) and sent me on my way with the requirement of appearing in court 2 weeks later. “This was easy” I remember thinking to myself.

The time came for me to appear in court for the first offence of driving on a suspended driver's license as Arthur Carmazzi, I thought if I told the truth, the judge would be lenient. I was wrong! I was fined US$300, and my driver's license was suspended for an additional year. This was a lot for a student. I had originally thought of paying for Francisco's ticket too, but on the way out of the court room, I approached the payment counter and told them that Francisco had skipped the country and would not be coming to court or to pay his ticket. They said “OK” and went about their business.

At this moment I realized that telling the truth was what got me in trouble (disapproval of others) and by making up stories, I overcame the fear of not being good enough in the eyes of others and triumphed over the immediate problem.

This was the beginning of a rule that while having many short term benefits cost me far more than I ever expected in fulfillment and happiness. The rule of engagement I came up with was: “Made up stories will get me further than telling the truth.” I lived by this rule because it worked for me. It allowed me to escape my fear and also many situations that would have caused me difficulty. It became a part of my life whenever a problem would arise. I hadn't noticed at the time, but the more I did this, the more problems that would arise that would need to be solved this way. 12 years later it eventually caught up with me with my relationships with friends, my finances, and my career.

When I finally realized what was happening in my life and why, I started to tell the truth to others and more importantly to myself, I became more responsible for my actions and got into fewer situations that would call for making up stories. I was freed of so much stress. My relationships with people I met were deeper and difficult situations became less frequent and easier to handle in the long term (even if the short term may not have been very comfortable). In my job where I previously had a tendency of exaggeration to impress clients, I found that client relationships and meeting client expectations improved a great deal. This led to more referrals.

The “Rules of Engagement” I had created to prevent short term pain, had actually caused a lot more Long term pain. But, when I discovered it, I found out it wasn't me, and when I became true to me, everything started to work even better. The truth had set me free

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